Today, the first day of the summer holiday!
Right now so much tension: a date with Eddy who is gay and I did not know him at all. He is years older, in his twenties. My brother came with him. I said that my first friendship was ended. He wanted to help me and said that this guy Eddy was maybe good for me to visit. He works also in the hospital, in the laboratorium. When I heard that I saw test tubes for me and a beautiful boy in a white coat.

What a day that was! First the visit of Eddy. Walking distance about half an hour. I could not stay in my room and wait and wait. Because I should arrive much too early I decided a route through the center of the city. Slow walking and looking in windows of shops or into books and magazines.
A strange feeling. Visiting this man, maybe not my type like so many boys at school. Thinking like that can help, not so bad when I see him. I could always say sorry, wrong address because he also did not see me before.
When I walked through the park I thought how important it was to find a new friend. How strong my desire. Martin flapped so quick away from me to somebody else. As a cooker he was not so good after all. Maybe he wanted to get rid of me already after the first night when he had to clean the wall of his room because of my sperma on it and thought about the hospita.
It is a pity that Leiden is not a city where you can find easy a friend. Martin told me and that is what I also heard people talk. Even sometimes dangerous for a gay. Martin was happy to live in Rotterdam. Why is here no bar for me?
There are two sort of boys I like. One is beautiful, the other sexual exited. Never I saw a combination of the two. When a boy is beautiful I only like to look at him. Maybe also touch him. A steamy boy I want to grasp en feel and kiss everywhere. That sort of boys I see swimming in the Nieuwe Vaart on Sunday when I passed them on bike. I do not stop because I am afraid that they see me looking. Only with swimming pants and very sexy bodies! I look inconspicuous.
Last week the two guys who painted our house worked in the sitting room, they painted the doors to the garden.I did as if I looked at their work but I saw the most attractive one naked in my fantasy. My mother who was behind the sewing machine asked him if he had a girl. He a girl? No!!, said the other one and he got a colour. He is one of us, I am sure. I wanted to enter my hand in his white overall. Always when I bike along the technical school I drive slower. Hope to see boys. Most of them look very sexy. Sometimes I see one on a bike and I look at his cross. Special when his knees are to the sides.
On the Haarlemmerstraat when I passed cinema Rex I remember the time I saw a film with a friend from school. That is already a long time ago. A man came sitting next to me and with his hand he went into the leg of my short. He felt my glans. Not a nice feeling. I was afraid to do something. Later he kissed me on my forehead. I thought: maybe he thinks that I am a girl. He took suddenly my hand and a moment later I felt very much curly hair and that was not on his head! Later my friend Ko told me that this man did that before with him. The story of the cowboyfilm I do not remember.

On the old Singel I walked a little slower. It was not so far anymore. I passed the theater where I saw posters of a ballet performance. A man held a woman above his head. Sometimes I like a maillot. Special a light colour and I can see the buttocks very sharp. I passed, was afraid to stop and look at the poster. Somebody could think that I was one of them. Later when I am not at home anymore I will go to a performance. In the magazine shop I went in and looked quick into Tomorrow Man when no other people were around me. Pity, never naked.
The address of Eddy was on the Veemarkt where cows and sheep are traded on Friday. I know that square very good because I came several times when I wanted to skip class from school. Exiting to see how people handle the animals. Special in and out of trucks. Sometime one escaped and I had to jump away.
Almost direct Eddy opened the door. He smiled. He was dressed in a white jeans and a jersey very tight. I almost could see his muscles. It looked like he had a shower, his hair was wet. Or maybe gel in it. I did not fall on him. But he was very friendly. He was glad that I came he said.
He lived alone in the small house. He talked about the laboratorium he worked. All the time I thought: he is too clean, too clean for me. He was also gay side but so different! Not a normal boy. I move different. I try to walk with big steps and speaking with a low voice. That is what a man has to do.
He told me how he try to discover if somebody also is one of us. He start to talk about the cuckoo clock, about the two weights. And change to the weight of the balls from the visitor.
We were drinking cola and I was trying to see him working in the laboratorium in a white coat. Could be a little sexy. I was glad that he talked and talked, he had a lot of experiences. Special with fucking.
When he went to the kitchen I watched same pictures in the books on the table. Art books with a lot about Roman paintings and statues.

He told me how he stayed at 2 colleagues one day and the next morning when one went to his work, the other jumped on him and took him. Later when he left the house he could only walk slowly and with wide legs. He laughed but I did not understand, scared to ask. Now it is your turn he said suddenly.
I got it a little bit oppressive. Only about Martin I could say something, my first friend who left me very quick. So after that I just said everything that came into my head. That I wanted all the time to have sex with a boy in the city I see but do not know anything about him. Never something exiting happened. Just daily jerks, mostly just before dinner. That did not sound very interesting. I took my glass and started with little sips as long as possible.
Eddy asked when I discovered my preference. I said that one day at school a teacher told what a gay was. At that moment I got a colour and I was sure about it. Also that my half brothers do not like gays and that I never could say something at home. Also not at school and with friends in the neighborhood.
Happy that Eddy started to talk again. About a urinoir on the Veemarkt, a little more far, in the middle of the market. A meeting place for gay people. That was good news to hear. He told that sometimes he visit that area, late evening.
I scared when he asked me what sexual wind me up. I thought about climbing in sticks at gymnastics a long time ago when I got a strange feeling in cock and balls. I told him about a day that all the boys were sitting on a bank except one who walked to us after a swing exercise in the rings. He opened for a short moment his fly front because the zip was broken and we all saw a glimp of the meat of his cock. Days after that I thought about that extreme sexy moment.
Eddy wanted to know how old I was at that time. Fourteen I told him. I said that nowadays in gymnastic lesson I count the line because I like to do handstand together with a special classmate. When I stand up I try to look into his leg to pick up something of his meat.
At that moment Eddy became very restless. He asked me if I wanted to see his sleeping room.
I was not exited at all, only amazed that I told so easy about myself.

The room was not big. Almost complete filled with a high bed where you could walk around. Light came from all sides under the bed. It looked to hover.
He started to take all his clothes off and asked me to do the same. I did not know board. What now? He seemed to have a clear planning in his head. Very slow I followed him. When he was naked he jumped on the bed. I wanted to take my underpants off but was shocked by seeing his big cock. So big!
He smiled and beckoned.
Against my will I climbed slowly on the bed. This should be exiting and very special but I did not feel anything at all. So strange. I looked permanent to his crotch but I did not want to see it. I wished I was at home in my room.
I invented that I was nauseous and needed fresh air.

On the street I breathed deep in and out for a period. I walked the same way back. A quick look at the urinoir in the middle of the square. The entrance was at the other side.
At the canal near the Volkshuis a tension came back from before. I thought all the time about the urinoir and what Eddy said about it. But now it was afternoon. Suppose that I could met somebody like me, a new friend at that place. Somebody I should like? Eddy must not see that of course! I could walk far away at the other side of the square. Just walk and look. Not into it.
I saw the windmill near the market and made a wide cirkel to the left. Passed sticks and staves which which they use for the animals. Relaxed as possible I walked to that area. My body was shaking a bit and I faked I was looking just straight forward. So-called on the last moment it came up that I needed a pee right away. Should it be smelling inside? Stupid that I never went into it during all the times I went in the area.
Not far from the entrance suddenly around the corner a boy appeared who looked at me and shout: that is one of them! He run to me and vague I saw other boys behind him.
In panic I turned around and as fast as possible I ran into the other direction. I could hear they coming closer. Where to go?
Right side to the mill was dangerous, they grasped me for sure. So I took the city side. I saw near the corner a bus. He was waiting at a stop. Inside I was save. Breathless I stood before the bus driver and slowly I dared turning a bit. I saw that the first boy stopped before the entrance. He also puffed very strong. Behind him more boys. The driver asked me where I wanted to go. I had no idea. Also no idea in what direction the bus should drive. Only, that I was save now. The man moved his eyebrow.
Next stop I gasped.


Joop Brussee

June 2020